Archives for September 2015

Its happened! You have an adoption day set! You’re finally going to get to adopt your sweet child that you have been taking care of for the last few months/years. You call your lawyer to start filling out the last of the paperwork and they ask what will your child’s name be?

Naming a child is a big decision made even more complicated when adopting, especially when you’re adopting through foster care. Regardless of the situation it is best to proceed with caution as it could be a sensitive subject for the kids and if you are telling the birth family you can bet it will be a sensitive subject for some of them. Remember, there are good reasons to change a child’s name as well as good reasons not to change a child’s name. The choice is ultimately yours because you are going to be the parents now. If you decide to change your child’s name here are some tips about how to proceed and how to help your kiddo used to their new name.

Consider the pros and cons.

There are good and bad things about changing a kids name.
Let me rattle some of for you. Good reasons to change your kiddos name: fresh start for kids, helps keep them safe if bio parents are crazy/dangerous, the bio parents/family need a clear message that they are not the parents making decisions for this child any more (sometimes its necessary), the name will fit with the rest of the family, gives the kids a person to look up to, their bio parents named them Sparkle and not only do you cringe when you call it out at the playground but you also want them to get a job other then stripper or magician’s assistant when they’re older. Seriously though, I’ve seen the name Sparkle used.
Moving onto reasons NOT to change your child’s name: they’ve had that name for 7, 10, 15 years and don’t want to change it, it is after a relative that they love, they feel like they will be losing part of themselves if they change it. Not all kids feel this way about their names, but some do.

Talk to your kids about it.

Get their opinion about it. If your kids are old enough ask them if there are names they would like you to consider and ask them what they think about the names you have been thinking of. I know a lady whose daughter wanted to be named Ariel. As I recall she was about seven, into the little mermaid and in the end it might have been used as a middle name. We asked Mr.H what names he liked and told him a little about the ones we were thinking of. He picked the one that ended up being the right one. If your child wants to keep one or two of his names there are things you can do. I have heard of people switching the last name to the middle name, the middle to the first or the first to the middle and then throwing in a new name and last name. You could even use their first and last name as their middle name with a hyphen in the middle. The important thing is that if your kid has an opinion on it that you let that weigh in on your your decision.

Start thinking about it early.

If you know there is no kinship(or you are the kinship), it is getting close to the court date where they will be terminating parental rights and you know you are the states first plan for your kiddos start considering what names are going to be best for your kiddos. Don’t tell them yet but gather your thoughts. After parental rights have been severed start talking to your kids about it if they are at an age to have an opinion on the matter. Yes, when you turn in the petition to adopt you have to put what your child’s new name will be, but you can amend that later with little effort, or so my lawyer told me.

Prepare your kids early.

When you know their name will be changing tell them (after they are legally free for adoption). Let them get used the idea and have as much time as possible for the idea of the new name to set in. Then their is getting them to respond to their new name. Our caseworker told us a trick and it had Mr.H responding to his new name in no time. The trick is this: once you know what your kiddos new first name will be add it to their old first name. So if your kiddos name is currently Richard and its going to be Ben you call him Richard Ben. This way they connect the new name as part of their name. Once the adoption is complete you start calling them by their new name, in this example Ben. She also said not to use the kiddo’s new name in any negative way before it was final and to make an extra effort to use it as frequently and as part of praise. IE. “Way to go Richard Ben.”

Be ok if you have to wait.

I know this can be hard. If your birth parent(s) appeal it could take over a year (ours did). However even if the kids are legally free please be prudent by waiting to start calling your child solely by their new name until that adoption is final. I met a gal who was raised in foster care. She came into care at less then two years old and then became legally free. For whatever reason she was then moved from home to home. Each home gave her a new name. It seemed they all thought she was going to stay with them so they renamed her right away. By the time she aged out of the system she had had around ten different names. So please wait. I know its hard. I know you are dying to start calling your little one the name you have put so much time and effort into choosing, but just in case there is a last minute, out of nowhere, change in plans, wait.

Pray about it.

Pray about it throughout the process, the beginning middle and end. It will help you know what your kiddos need and how to talk to them about it. My husband was not a fan of our son’s name until we prayed about it. You see my husband doesn’t like the idea of naming your child after people. He prefers names that no one(or very few) people have ever had. Sometimes that’s good, but that wasn’t what our son needed. We didn’t know it at the time but Mr.H strives to be like the people he was named after. We picked some amazing people to name him after and it is serving him well. I am even more thankful that we changed his name now because he had shared a name with a bio relative, who we wish well, but do NOT want Mr.H to emulate.

Hopefully these tips have helped you as you make one of the many decisions that will affect your child for the rest of their life. If you want some more thoughts on naming your kiddo there is a link up over at Joyful Journey, No Bohns About It, Our Journey to You, Ripped Jeans & Bifocals, Starfish Confidential and White Sugar, Brown Sugar. You can also link up if you have a post about names.

Have a g,day!

GumTree

*as always, names have been changed for peoples protection and privacy

As a foster mom I’m always looking forward to getting more kids. I love getting that phone call and I love hearing about the kids that could join our family for a while. I love the feeling of being useful that I get when I take care of these kids. I love helping them grow and meeting their needs. The opportunity excites me. In my career as a foster mom I’ve gotten 9 calls to foster placements. Of those calls we have said yes four times. Those phone calls were Mr.H and his brother, Sam and Olivia, Hiccup, and a baby who never made it to our house before kinship was found.

Incase you missed it, there were 6 other times we’ve been asked to take kids in that we had to say no to. There were two Native American girls, A baby girl in December, A little boy who we got a call for at 10 pm, A child who was found in a car with a person who had warrants out for their arrest, a child whose father had kidnapped her and whose mom was a mess,  and two little boys whose case was so far along that parental rights were going to be terminated in a month and adoption was the option they were looking for. I remember them all. I remember my heart breaking when the answer to prayer was to say no. I remember my heart breaking when the answer to the prayer was that they wouldn’t be part of our family, even for a little bit.

I was talking to a friend who is a also a foster mom, lets call her Kristin. She got a call about a baby whose case was also headed for adoption. Like me she struggles with infertility, so it was extra hard for her to say no to a baby that could potentially be a forever baby. However after a lot of prayer she realized she wasn’t supposed to say yes to this one. Her heart broke. However her hands were full with her birth kids and the placement she already had. I understood because that is what we had just gone through a few months ago with the two little boys.

There are people out there who try and make foster parents feel guilty for saying no to a placement that we know nothing about. Some people judge foster parents for saying we can’t handle what this kids dishes out, or what their birth family dishes out. Some people get mad at foster parents for having kids in their home and then acknowledging that they can’t meet the child’s needs and asking that they be removed. Some of these people work in the foster system and others are outsiders with no idea what they are talking about. The truth is that even the people in the system who think you should always say yes are outsiders too because they don’t know everything that the foster family is going through and they aren’t the ones who have to live with it all day in and day out.

The truth is that sometimes we just aren’t the family that the kids need. Sometimes the kids need parents with different parenting styles or different personalities. Sometimes the kids need siblings or no siblings and thats not what’s in your home. Sometimes the kids need parents with more experience in the areas that they are struggling. Sometimes the kids are just not right for your home for reasons that only Heavenly Father understands, but he understands and he has an amazing plan.

A perfect example of this is Mr.H. He had been to a different home for two weeks before he and his brother came to us. I have no idea why those foster parents changed their minds. I do know that I am so grateful they did. We are meant to be Mr.H’s forever family and we were meant to help his brother on his way back to his dad. It never would have happened if the former foster family hadn’t had the courage to admit that they were not able to take care of them. My son who calls me mommy would never have come to us and we would be missing him without knowing who he is. I also know that we were not ready for them to come at the moment they entered care. Those two weeks they spent with the foster family made it so our boys could come to us. While I imagine the other foster parents were very sad and confused about sending the kids back, Heavenly Father knew what he was doing and I appreciate the other foster parents willingness to follow His plan even when it hurt.

So dear foster parent who had to say no to a placement you were excitedly waiting for, don’t cry too many tears. You will get the call that is right one day. Dear foster parent who has done all they could, yet still has to call a caseworker to let them know that the placement isn’t working and the kids need someone else, don’t beat your self up. You did your best and it wasn’t for nothing. These children are Heavenly Father’s children. He will look out for them, we just have to follow the promptings He gives us.