Yay! You’re getting your foster license! Your home will soon be filled with children, children that are going to need things. The challenge is that if you’ve left your door wide open you have no idea what that child will be like. Will you need diapers? Will you need a baby carrier or a booster seat? A crib or a Bed? What about things for them to do? The list of what you might need or want to buy for the future kiddo can go on and on. Before you dive in and spend all your money I recommend you ask yourself these two questions.

• Will I need it in the first week of having a placement?
• Is it adjustable or convertible?

Thats what I ask myself. It has led me to this list of basic things to buy when preparing for a foster placement.

• Adjustable car seat. We have this one from safety first. It can handle a kid from 5 lbs. (newborn) 100 lbs. (1st grader). Every now and then you might be able to get a carseat from your caseworker, but thats not a guarantee so its better to be prepared.
• A bunkbed and/or convertible crib. For an inexpensive bunkbed I recommend going to IKEA. That’s where we got ours along with the mattresses. For a convertible Crib I recommend something like this one.
• Gender neutral bedding. Think light blue, gray, or yellow. You can always get some feminine or masculine things later if your kiddos end up staying for awhile but gender neutral is where to start.
• Size Three diapers and pull-ups. I recommend keeping a small pack of size three diapers on hand because they seem to cover the largest age range. Our kiddo started fitting them at four months and I have seen two year olds wearing them. Thats a big age range and a small pack won’t take up allot of space and will do the job while you figure out and get a preferred size. Pull-ups are for older kids at night. It is not uncommon for kids to have potty accidents when they experience trauma. Coming to a new home with people you don’t know is a trauma so count on getting a few accident. Pull-ups are also great while you figure out if your new kiddo is a bed wetter. This being said, I wouldn’t make a kid who is going to school wear them to school and if a child is school aged I wouldn’t have them wear them during the day while at home until they have had an accident.
• Hygiene Kit. Think tooth brush, toothpaste, body wash, shampoo, wash cloth. Keep in mind your perspective age range. Your preteen probably doesn’t want to brush with a kids tooth brush and he’s going to need some deodorant.
• One can Similac infant formula and a bottle. Some of you might wonder why Similac. I honestly don’t know if it is the best or healthiest formula out there. I’ve never looked. I say Similac though because it’s what WIC covers. As a foster child your child is eligible for WIC. Perhaps you prefer a different brand, but odds are that Similac is what a foster child will have had and what they will have if they go back. That means that their formula could be familiar to them and could be the only consistent thing for them, so get the Similac. Maybe you won’t need it before it expires, but do you really want to make a run to the store with a hungry infant that you just met in the middle of the night because that is when the call came in?
• Dishes, specifically unbreakable dishes. This is good for all parents of young kids, but especially foster kids. Kids are clumsy and they often throw fits when up set. Having a dish shatter because your new kiddo is upset about the unfamiliar food and knocks it to the floor in a burst of emotion is not an issue you want to deal with. Unbreakable dishes is where its at.
• Entertainment. Obviously age range will affect this. I’ve broken it down to three things that will cover all the age ranges for at least a little bit. For all ages I recommend a stuffed animal. I know some teenager won’t admit to wanting one, but I think all of the kids could use something to hold onto during the long nights in a new place. For age 0 to 2 I recommend this convertible play station. I personally love that it entertains and contains my 1 year old for a bit while I get some stuff done. For ages 2 and up I suggest coloring books. I recommend getting a few kid ones and an adult coloring book. Coloring is supposed to be calming. Who doesn’t want some calm? … In fact you might even want one for yourself as foster parenting is wonderful and stressful at the same time.
• Some gender neutral outfits. It’s not unheard of for a child to come to you in nothing more than a diaper. I recommend keeping a storage tote with different sizes of clothing in it. Tickled Teal has some gender neutral and fairly inexpensive onesies for ages 0 to 24m. I’ve bought from them and have been happy with their products. I also like the leggings from Skuttlebum. I’ve found that if I buy a larger sized they will still work for smaller sizes so its a good one to cover that 0 to 24m age range. When you’ve collected your clothes I suggest you get a vacuum bag and shrink it down.

I realize this seems like a lot of things, but it should allow you to spend the first bit of time with your new, emotionally distressed kiddo(s) without needing to run out the door the moment the case worker leaves. Is there something you think I missed? I’d love to hear about it in the comments below.

Have a g’day
Gum Tree

I’ve been told by my caseworker that I’m very precise with my words. Words are important. Phrase things without precision and you risk misunderstandings. Use the wrong word and you can cause hurt. Leaving out important words can also hurt.

Recently the leaving out of words has been concerning me. Hiccup, our foster baby (who we will most likely adopt) is Mr.H’s biological brother. When people find this out they always make a comment about how nice it will be for Mr.H to grow up with his brother. I cringe each time they say this because each time they leave off an important word. They leave off the word “biological”. They didn’t just mean his brother they meant a genetic brother, a birth brother, a biological brother.

It’s true that it will be nice for him to have a genetic connection in his forever family. I don’t disagree with that idea. It will also be nice that there is one less biological sibling for him to find when he is ready. I do disagree with leaving off the word genetic/birth/biological when referring to him being raised with his brother. That is because one day we will probably have another son that will not share Mr.H’s genetics at all. That boy will be his brother and it will be nice for Mr.H to be raised with that child, his brother. Can you imagine their confusion, frustration and possible hurt should they hear a person say “its nice that they’re brothers” but not be including the one that doesn’t share genetics, as though he was somehow less their brother because their DNA doesn’t match up?

There are so many tips about what a person should say and how they should say it when talking to a family that grew or is growing through adoption. I am sure you can find a lot if you do a pin search for “adoption language”. Here are some over arching tips to consider.

1. Be precise, technical even:
   When discussing genetics, birth family or birth family relationships use words like genetic, birth or biological. The word “other” can also be good, especially when there is a very open adoption. ie, his other mom, his other dad.
2. Avoid the word “real”:
   I mean avoid it like the plague. Just skip it. This word rarely creates positive feelings in the adoption world unless someone is saying “You are a real mom. Your mother son relationship is 100% real” and that is only necessary when you are consoling someone who was told otherwise by some ignorant person. Please also know that there are real moms out there that bravely gave what was most dear to them so their child could have the life they needed even though that meant that life wouldn’t be spent with them. They’re real moms too. So yah, its better just to avoid the word “real”.
3. Don’t ask why the kids are free for adoption or in care:
   This includes asking about where the birth parents are, or if he is a “drug baby”. First of all its none of your business. Unless you’re a family member (or worlds best supportive bestie) who is trying to understand their new permeant niece or nephew don’t ask. If you do fit into that category following tip #4 is good for you too.
4. Don’t get into a deep discussion about adoption in front of our kids:
   I don’t mean a conversation about what agency did you use or when did junior join your family. I mean anything birth family related. I had a well meaning relative who started telling my son that he has two moms like so-and-so. The relative also made some comments about my son’s story and about my son’s birth mom that were not appropriate for her to say. Those comments were nice, but they also weren’t true. My son’s story is NOT anyone else’s story. He knows he is adopted. He knows the general meaning of being adopted. As he gets older we tell him more. The people who are going to tell him are me and my husband because we are his parents. We know him and his story better than anyone else on this earth. No one should try to tell him his story even if they don’t agree with how we are addressing his adoption because its not their place.

These are my four tips. Do you have any? I would love to hear them if you do. If you would like to hear more about adoption language you can follow a linkup found at the bottom of this post.

Don’t feel bad if you’ve done one of these things. It can be hard to know all of the sensitive words and things when you haven’t lived it. Just remember for the future and lovingly educate when appropriate.

 

Have a g’day,
Gum Tree

Its happened! You have an adoption day set! You’re finally going to get to adopt your sweet child that you have been taking care of for the last few months/years. You call your lawyer to start filling out the last of the paperwork and they ask what will your child’s name be?

Naming a child is a big decision made even more complicated when adopting, especially when you’re adopting through foster care. Regardless of the situation it is best to proceed with caution as it could be a sensitive subject for the kids and if you are telling the birth family you can bet it will be a sensitive subject for some of them. Remember, there are good reasons to change a child’s name as well as good reasons not to change a child’s name. The choice is ultimately yours because you are going to be the parents now. If you decide to change your child’s name here are some tips about how to proceed and how to help your kiddo used to their new name.

Consider the pros and cons.

There are good and bad things about changing a kids name.
Let me rattle some of for you. Good reasons to change your kiddos name: fresh start for kids, helps keep them safe if bio parents are crazy/dangerous, the bio parents/family need a clear message that they are not the parents making decisions for this child any more (sometimes its necessary), the name will fit with the rest of the family, gives the kids a person to look up to, their bio parents named them Sparkle and not only do you cringe when you call it out at the playground but you also want them to get a job other then stripper or magician’s assistant when they’re older. Seriously though, I’ve seen the name Sparkle used.
Moving onto reasons NOT to change your child’s name: they’ve had that name for 7, 10, 15 years and don’t want to change it, it is after a relative that they love, they feel like they will be losing part of themselves if they change it. Not all kids feel this way about their names, but some do.

Talk to your kids about it.

Get their opinion about it. If your kids are old enough ask them if there are names they would like you to consider and ask them what they think about the names you have been thinking of. I know a lady whose daughter wanted to be named Ariel. As I recall she was about seven, into the little mermaid and in the end it might have been used as a middle name. We asked Mr.H what names he liked and told him a little about the ones we were thinking of. He picked the one that ended up being the right one. If your child wants to keep one or two of his names there are things you can do. I have heard of people switching the last name to the middle name, the middle to the first or the first to the middle and then throwing in a new name and last name. You could even use their first and last name as their middle name with a hyphen in the middle. The important thing is that if your kid has an opinion on it that you let that weigh in on your your decision.

Start thinking about it early.

If you know there is no kinship(or you are the kinship), it is getting close to the court date where they will be terminating parental rights and you know you are the states first plan for your kiddos start considering what names are going to be best for your kiddos. Don’t tell them yet but gather your thoughts. After parental rights have been severed start talking to your kids about it if they are at an age to have an opinion on the matter. Yes, when you turn in the petition to adopt you have to put what your child’s new name will be, but you can amend that later with little effort, or so my lawyer told me.

Prepare your kids early.

When you know their name will be changing tell them (after they are legally free for adoption). Let them get used the idea and have as much time as possible for the idea of the new name to set in. Then their is getting them to respond to their new name. Our caseworker told us a trick and it had Mr.H responding to his new name in no time. The trick is this: once you know what your kiddos new first name will be add it to their old first name. So if your kiddos name is currently Richard and its going to be Ben you call him Richard Ben. This way they connect the new name as part of their name. Once the adoption is complete you start calling them by their new name, in this example Ben. She also said not to use the kiddo’s new name in any negative way before it was final and to make an extra effort to use it as frequently and as part of praise. IE. “Way to go Richard Ben.”

Be ok if you have to wait.

I know this can be hard. If your birth parent(s) appeal it could take over a year (ours did). However even if the kids are legally free please be prudent by waiting to start calling your child solely by their new name until that adoption is final. I met a gal who was raised in foster care. She came into care at less then two years old and then became legally free. For whatever reason she was then moved from home to home. Each home gave her a new name. It seemed they all thought she was going to stay with them so they renamed her right away. By the time she aged out of the system she had had around ten different names. So please wait. I know its hard. I know you are dying to start calling your little one the name you have put so much time and effort into choosing, but just in case there is a last minute, out of nowhere, change in plans, wait.

Pray about it.

Pray about it throughout the process, the beginning middle and end. It will help you know what your kiddos need and how to talk to them about it. My husband was not a fan of our son’s name until we prayed about it. You see my husband doesn’t like the idea of naming your child after people. He prefers names that no one(or very few) people have ever had. Sometimes that’s good, but that wasn’t what our son needed. We didn’t know it at the time but Mr.H strives to be like the people he was named after. We picked some amazing people to name him after and it is serving him well. I am even more thankful that we changed his name now because he had shared a name with a bio relative, who we wish well, but do NOT want Mr.H to emulate.

Hopefully these tips have helped you as you make one of the many decisions that will affect your child for the rest of their life. If you want some more thoughts on naming your kiddo there is a link up over at Joyful Journey, No Bohns About It, Our Journey to You, Ripped Jeans & Bifocals, Starfish Confidential and White Sugar, Brown Sugar. You can also link up if you have a post about names.

Have a g,day!

GumTree

*as always, names have been changed for peoples protection and privacy

As a foster mom I’m always looking forward to getting more kids. I love getting that phone call and I love hearing about the kids that could join our family for a while. I love the feeling of being useful that I get when I take care of these kids. I love helping them grow and meeting their needs. The opportunity excites me. In my career as a foster mom I’ve gotten 9 calls to foster placements. Of those calls we have said yes four times. Those phone calls were Mr.H and his brother, Sam and Olivia, Hiccup, and a baby who never made it to our house before kinship was found.

Incase you missed it, there were 6 other times we’ve been asked to take kids in that we had to say no to. There were two Native American girls, A baby girl in December, A little boy who we got a call for at 10 pm, A child who was found in a car with a person who had warrants out for their arrest, a child whose father had kidnapped her and whose mom was a mess,  and two little boys whose case was so far along that parental rights were going to be terminated in a month and adoption was the option they were looking for. I remember them all. I remember my heart breaking when the answer to prayer was to say no. I remember my heart breaking when the answer to the prayer was that they wouldn’t be part of our family, even for a little bit.

I was talking to a friend who is a also a foster mom, lets call her Kristin. She got a call about a baby whose case was also headed for adoption. Like me she struggles with infertility, so it was extra hard for her to say no to a baby that could potentially be a forever baby. However after a lot of prayer she realized she wasn’t supposed to say yes to this one. Her heart broke. However her hands were full with her birth kids and the placement she already had. I understood because that is what we had just gone through a few months ago with the two little boys.

There are people out there who try and make foster parents feel guilty for saying no to a placement that we know nothing about. Some people judge foster parents for saying we can’t handle what this kids dishes out, or what their birth family dishes out. Some people get mad at foster parents for having kids in their home and then acknowledging that they can’t meet the child’s needs and asking that they be removed. Some of these people work in the foster system and others are outsiders with no idea what they are talking about. The truth is that even the people in the system who think you should always say yes are outsiders too because they don’t know everything that the foster family is going through and they aren’t the ones who have to live with it all day in and day out.

The truth is that sometimes we just aren’t the family that the kids need. Sometimes the kids need parents with different parenting styles or different personalities. Sometimes the kids need siblings or no siblings and thats not what’s in your home. Sometimes the kids need parents with more experience in the areas that they are struggling. Sometimes the kids are just not right for your home for reasons that only Heavenly Father understands, but he understands and he has an amazing plan.

A perfect example of this is Mr.H. He had been to a different home for two weeks before he and his brother came to us. I have no idea why those foster parents changed their minds. I do know that I am so grateful they did. We are meant to be Mr.H’s forever family and we were meant to help his brother on his way back to his dad. It never would have happened if the former foster family hadn’t had the courage to admit that they were not able to take care of them. My son who calls me mommy would never have come to us and we would be missing him without knowing who he is. I also know that we were not ready for them to come at the moment they entered care. Those two weeks they spent with the foster family made it so our boys could come to us. While I imagine the other foster parents were very sad and confused about sending the kids back, Heavenly Father knew what he was doing and I appreciate the other foster parents willingness to follow His plan even when it hurt.

So dear foster parent who had to say no to a placement you were excitedly waiting for, don’t cry too many tears. You will get the call that is right one day. Dear foster parent who has done all they could, yet still has to call a caseworker to let them know that the placement isn’t working and the kids need someone else, don’t beat your self up. You did your best and it wasn’t for nothing. These children are Heavenly Father’s children. He will look out for them, we just have to follow the promptings He gives us.